There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
