my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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