Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Come back. Shots need mouths.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
When are your genitals available?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
