I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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