Do you still have your period?
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
