fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
