wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
