I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
