Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
