i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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