why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
where does the pee come out of this thing
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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