his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
