I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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