someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
