The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
