I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
