i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize