My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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