I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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