would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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