Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I will pee on everything he values.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
