this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
be right there i have to get my cape
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize