Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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