you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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