"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
