I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
God I need to hump something, right now.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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