She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
