So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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