I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
