I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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