Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
