You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
