Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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