Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
