dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
