She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize