I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
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