Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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