next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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