But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
