Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
