I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
