Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
