toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
