im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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