He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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