he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
