My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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