Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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