omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
It's blow job season.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
