Welp...herpes.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
