Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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