By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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