Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
His nipple licking is glorious
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