So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Randomize
