I'm eating all of the evidence.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
His hands were made for my vagina.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
