Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
